Things I would say to some of my exes:
- Remember that little pipe cleaner heart you gave me in the fourth grade? I still have that.
- I’m very glad you’re in a long, happy marriage with the girl you were cheating on me with.
- I’m so sorry you freaked out and joined the military after we broke up and are now dealing with injuries from that decision.
- Oh my freaking god I am so glad I didn’t marry you.
- It took me years to realize this, but you were emotionally abusive and I’m sorry I didn’t leave you sooner.
- I hope for the sake of your children you solved that drinking problem thing you have.
- So, your flavor of the month seems like a nice girl – when you planning on throwing her away?
Things I have actually said to some of my exes:
- I’m really happy you’re happy. You were never happy with me.
- Your children are beautiful. It it so cool to see you being a great dad.
- Thank you for letting me know I was an integral part in keeping you from suicide during that horrible period of your life. I wish we could’ve built a relationship on something other than that. I loved you tremendously. Take care of yourself.
- You know you can come to me with any problems you are working through in therapy and I will help you the best I can, right? We have known each other for decades – I know you better than anyone else. I will always be your friend.
- Wow. I’m floored. So your entire life you’ve identified as a woman? I always knew you weren’t comfortable in your own skin, now I know you weren’t comfortable in your own gender. I’m honored you told me first and trusted me with this new part of your life. I’m here for you. (Years later she was a bridesmaid in my wedding. ☺️)
- I never told you this, but I looked down the aisle at you on our wedding day and I knew you didn’t want to get married.
- I have to take care of myself right now . . . I can’t take care of you anymore.
See you on Day 27.